I’ve got a terrible feeling about this show. Like somehow the whole thing is doomed. I have this recurring dream where I’m on stage, thousands of miles from home and the crowd has turned on me. There are thousands of them and they are all booing me and Sofia Vergara (from Modern Family) is there and so is Simon Cowell and he’s slamming his fist into a red buzzer and the sound splits the air like a gunshot and the ceiling rips open and confetti rains down like debris but the booing only gets louder and louder and louder and louder and then I wake up, and realise that all of that actually happened to me.

This show has nothing to do with that story. I doubt I’ll even mention it.